


Monster in the Mirror

by thedrunkenwerewolf, Timewaster123456789



Series: Heirverse: Phase 2 (Can We Survive This?) [11]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Addiction, Attempted Sexual Assault, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Past Violence, Psychological Trauma, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, past adultery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-25 21:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19753975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedrunkenwerewolf/pseuds/thedrunkenwerewolf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timewaster123456789/pseuds/Timewaster123456789
Summary: Mirror piece to the end of 'I Love' and the fallout that follows.





	Monster in the Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing. All the thanks to TheDrunkenWerewolf for her amazing, well thought out series, byakuyakuchiki for crossposting and SesshomaruFreak, Salazar Marvolo, HitsugayaKuchiki-HK and Spunky0ne for being a part of this project.   
> illustration is by Wolfie. (Wolfie: enjoy the nightmare fuel picture)
> 
> Written to: 'Monster' by Skillet, 'Monster' by Beth Crowley, 'Midnight thoughts' and 'Killer in the mirror' by Set It Off, " I see your monsters' by Katie Sky (nightcore).
> 
> Place in timeline: Should be read after Wolfie's 'I Love' as the first part of this is a mirror of the last two scenes from Aizen's pov and for the sake of not boring fans I only rehashed the salient points of their conversation.

_"I shall despair. There is no creature loves me;_

_and if I die, no soul will pity me:_

_nay, wherefore should they, since that I myself_

_find in myself no pity to myself."_

-Richard III, Act 5, Scene 3. From Jordan Peterson's 'A history lesson for political radicals' youtube lecture.

* * *

"Moon of my life," Aizen said as he broke the kiss. The words damned him, caught in his throat halfway through as a dagger of pain pierced his skull, the voice shrieking its rage. Gin replied in kind but Aizen didn't hear much after 'my sun'. The familiar chill spread through his limbs as the monster struggled for control raged and gnashed its teeth.

' _NO! I just got him back NO!_ ' he tried to force the voice away, clear his head but in the face of that rage-fueled will, his moment of panic was all it took. The only opening it needed. He slipped and the rest, well that was on him.

He shoved Gin away cursing himself, he'd never laid a hand on him in anger before, but it was better than the alternative. He tried to open his mouth, his jaw locked, muscles straining as he tried to scream, _leave, get away, Run!_ Nothing came out. He was a mere puppet for the voice to use at will. His greatest fear was staring him in the face and he was worse than useless, he was the perpetrator, powerless to stop it.

"Sousuke?" Gin asked, his voice full of love and confusion.

"Don't say that!" Aizen roared as the voice raged. In fact he wasn't sure if it was him or the voice speaking. Pain shot through him so intense that his vision swam, his concentration shattered. He saw Gin staring at him, terrified. Aizen shared his fear though he tried to be rational. Fear would only give the monster more power.

Seeing Gin so scared crushed him it was, selfishly one of the reasons he'd always hidden the voice. He'd never wanted Gin to know what he was, had never wanted to see the disgust in his eyes when he learned the truth. This though, his moon— the pain spiked again—terrified of him was the worst thing in the three worlds, worse than all the disgust and hate he'd feared. He would have given anything to turn back time, to warn Gin come what may and now it was too late.

The voice laughed quietly.

_I win_

"Love? Love is pain. Shall I show you?" the voice said with his mouth. Had he been able to so much as twitch a finger of his own will, he would have slit his own throat, anything to prevent Gin coming to harm, his worst fear come to life. He fought for control, terror overwhelmed rational thought despite his best efforts as he struggled futilely to stop it, to even slow the monster, himself a bit. Just to give Gin a chance to escape.

' _Aw but you've harmed him so much, what's one more time?'_ the voice hissed as he pinned Gin down.

' _Don't please, please don't,'_ he fell to pleading with the monster, fully aware that it was pointless.

' _Love is pain,'_ it whispered back as his consciousness was fully subsumed.

"Sousuke!" the word cut through the haze in his mind. Gin's voice full of betrayal, terror and pain echoed in the darkness that was his existence. It hurt to hear, to know he'd put it there though he couldn't remember what he'd done. He needed to do something though, needed to help Gin. A blurred vision of their bedroom flicked into view. Right the voice, the monster, lord knows what it had done, what _he_ had done. Rage coursed through him, fading to determination, _how dare_ this monster use him to hurt Gin.

He seized control; it was his body after all. Fuck the voice, fuck it to the nine hells.

' _The fuck do you think you're doing?'_

He didn't answer, pain raked through him, excruciating but he ignored that too.

"Gin?" everything ached, throbbed, his skin felt like it was on fire as warmth and life returned.

He took in the scene, Gin was stripped below the waist, robe askew from the struggle, red, welted scratches showed, Aizen's own hands held his legs spread. He felt sick, at what he'd almost done. Gin had paid gravely for his mistake, his weakness. Whatever else he was he'd never wanted that, all of his justifications for staying, for reconciling seemed disgustingly hollow and self-serving.

"Sou?" Gin asked. It sounded like a sob and he almost wanted to cry himself, wanted to fall to his knees and beg forgiveness for what could never be forgiven. Pride and the knowledge that his pleas would be rejected made him hold his ground.

"It's me Gin," Aizen said fighting to keep his voice steady. It was a stupid thing to say 'it's okay just your attacker here, don't worry'. "How badly are you hurt?"

_You don't get to be hurt. You did this, you,_ he wasn't sure if it was the voice or his own memory that taunted him with Gin's words. He stared into his love's eyes and tried to focus on the present because either way dwelling on thoughts like that would just invite the monster to return. He could feel its bitter scratching at the back of his mind and tightened his focus as bile rose in his throat.

Gin drew a shaky breath and it made his own chest ache, "Get off me."

He leaped away. Of course, idiot that should have been the first thing he did. Gin rose and stood, trembling but on his feet, staring at him. Gin took slow, shaking breaths as he calmed down. Relief flooded him and he cursed himself again, he had no right to be relieved. All of his pride fell away, he didn't give a damn about looking sentimental, just wanted to make his moon feel better, wanted so very badly to just embrace Gin. He heard the monster hiss again but it seemed to have retreated for now.

"Why?" Gin asked. One question, one simple word full of pain and betrayal. Aizen pressed his lips together to keep them from quivering, blinked back tears, lest he betray the broken shadow of himself he'd become. Gin was watching him, waiting for, needing an explanation. His resolve broke and he sighed, always so damned weak no matter how hard he tried to be strong. He sat on the bed and swallowed taking a moment to collect himself.

"If you will let me…there are somethings you should know," he said, relieved that his voice remained steady, he _felt_ shaky as hell. At Gin's request, they moved to the kitchen table.

He wanted to bring Gin tea but it was pathetic, a self-serving need to feel like he was comforting his fox…his victim when this was beyond such a simple gesture, likely any gesture. Gin'd probably throw it in his face like…before, so he shook off the impulse and sat down.

He hated that table, should have burned it years ago. He remembered sitting there fixing his mug for hours. Remembered sitting there alone shivering after the Voice tried and failed to expose him to Gin. Remembered waiting, with hope, trepidation and absolute self-disgust for Gin to lay out the terms of his forgiveness, his salvation. God he fucking hated that table.

He tried to organize his thoughts, pull the scraps of his mask back on, terrified that he would lose Gin so soon after getting him back. He reached across the table, a disgusting act, who was he to look to Gin for reassurance? He couldn't help it though.

' _Worthless,'_ the voice whispered. Maybe _he_ was but Gin was worth everything and he forced the voice away. Gin reached his hand out to be taken and Aizen clasped it, taking a slow, even breath. If he wanted any hope of Gin staying he had to make it sound like he was handling things, evidence to the contrary aside. Besides Gin deserved an explanation and a hell of a lot more besides, he could hardly give it if he started getting emotional.

' _Start?'_ Again he wasn't sure if that was the voice or not but told it to shut up anyway.

He explained the things he'd never wanted Gin to know and did his best to not make it about himself.

"I wanted to keep you safe," he said. He left out _'I'm so sorry I failed. Can you forgive me? Because I can't forgive myself.'_

"But now you know," he said when he meant _'now you hate me'_. He couldn't stand talking so openly, every instinct he had captain, Rukon, criminal, host to the voice, screamed that he should shut up and stop exposing his vulnerabilities. Logically he knew Gin wouldn't turn him in, but he could, would turn his back. Why did he have to care? He'd never meant to, had never meant to prefer death to seeing pain on someone's face but Gin was different. Worth it.

He saw Gin growing pale as he forced himself to continue, he looked as ill as Aizen felt _. I sicken him_ , he thought bitterly even though he'd known what Gin's reaction would be. It simply remained a question of whether it was what a vile, tainted thing he was that disgusted Gin, or worse how powerless he was against it. Would it simply be how very, very in over his head he was, fighting just to stay above the water, catching a breath before being dragged back under that Gin wouldn't want to deal with.

_Take care of me? You can't even take care of yourself._

That would be so much worse, he could handle contempt, contemptuous pity though…then again it wasn't like he'd have a choice. _I'm sorry Gin I don't know how to fight it,_ he thought.

"I would never forgive myself if I let it hurt you," he held back a wince. _Foot meet mouth, it did hurt you, I hurt you._ His heart pounded in his chest, the hand not clasping Gin's shook. He fought to keep himself together and keep the struggle hidden. _I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to know_. _Never wanted you to see this. I never should have dragged you down with me. Why was I so selfish?_

"Shit Sou…" Gin choked up and his own heart sank. "I don't…I can't."

Aizen sighed, he felt like a convict receiving a well deserved death sentence. He was a coward, he didn't want to be alone again, but now Gin knew how insane, how fucked up, how utterly broken he was and it was over. The voice gave a tired laugh.

' _You had the gall to seek safety in his arms and this is how you repay him? What did you expect?'_ it sneered.

Every fiber of his being wanted Gin to stay, wanted to beg him not to leave, like he had in that hospital room so long ago with the drugs to loosen his tongue. So, selfish coward that he was, squeezing Gin's hand for what was probably the last time he asked him to stay against all common sense, at the risk of his very life.

_And you claim to love him?_ The voice taunted. It was right of course, but Gin could, would say no and he already hated himself, so what difference did it make.

He saw Gin trying not to laugh in his face and kept his expression blank. He wouldn't break down, he might not be above manipulation and gamesmanship but guilting his moon—the pain barely registered—into staying was a line even he wouldn't cross. Besides he'd never been one to trade on weakness, he didn't want pity, never wanted people 'feeling sorry' for him as the voice constantly reminded him they did. That had been the whole point.

"Always," Gin finally said. It took him a second to process the word. Gin…was staying? He tightened his jaw to keep it from trembling as tears of relief pricked his eyes. Though his fox said nothing he saw the shock and doubt in his companion's gaze, like he was doubting his own eyes, simply unable to believe his sun was being so pathetic. It was equal parts gratifying and humiliating and he hurried to get a grip on himself.

Gin surprised him again by moving around the table to embrace him, which was ten kinds of wrong. He'd almost raped the man, he should be the one giving comfort or in a saner world getting the hell out of his life. Guilt welled up and his breath hitched. He returned the embrace trying to convey what Gin meant to him, while at the same time reassuring himself that Gin really _was_ there. His moon whispered to him as he tried to get his breathing under control.

"Why?" he asked, his voice breaking, _Why? I don't deserve it so why?_ Why his voice broke _now_ when the actual painful discussion was over was another good question, but at that point he was pretty certain that the universe just liked to laugh at him.

Gin's answer was devastatingly simple, "I love you."

He should have told Gin the rest, but he simply couldn't bring himself to, couldn't bear to see the loathing, disappointment and betrayal on his face. Coward.

He took a slow breath, swallowed the lump in his throat and echoed Gin's sentiment, grateful that their embrace wouldn't allow Gin to see the tears he was fighting back.

_No you don't,_ the voice sneered. It was right, if he truly cared about the man he wouldn't have asked in the first place.

* * *

Gin pulled back and looked at Aizen trying to remind himself that it wasn't who'd attacked him, not really. He was looking Gin over, drinking in the sight.

"I'm fine," Gin said shakily. _Physically._

"You're sure?" Aizen looked doubtful as he released Gin.

"Yeah I'll be 'kay," Gin replied sorry to lose the contact he craved.

"Well that's good. What would I do otherwise?" he joked, though the teasing smile looked a little forced. _Aaand back to the game._

"Dunno, pine?" Gin replied, not missing a beat. He wanted to be angry, should be. How could Aizen make light of something like that? Yet he found himself smiling.

"For a day or two perhaps."

That stung a bit, spoken too seriously for comfort, "You'd remember me for a while though right?"

"I remember everything," the words were harsh though his eyes surprisingly soft.

"Arrogant bastard," Gin laughed.

"Flatterer."

"Psychopath."

"Enabler."

"Puppet."

Aizen's eyes widened and he raised his hands in mock surrender with a chuckle, "You win."

"On my own merit?" Gin winked. Aizen nodded but didn't acknowledge the old joke and for a moment, thinking over the painful night he wondered if he'd gone too far but Aizen'd already moved on.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Nah jus' wanna sleep," Gin replied and headed for their bedroom, he looked back when Aizen didn't follow. "Ya' comin'?"

"Yeah I was just watching you leave," he said with a smile.

"Pervert."

"And?" Aizen asked following.

As tiring as their stupid game could be, he was glad to have someone who'd known him so long and well, knew exactly how to make him feel better. He felt like just maybe he was getting to the same level of understanding with Sousuke and it was comforting, that voice thing aside.

* * *

Aizen ran a hand over his face in the dark bedroom and eased himself from under the moonlit figure whose hair he'd been stroking. Gin, the best thing that'd ever happened to him, the man who'd almost guest starred in his worst nightmare. Well that was a selfish thought, it would have been far worse for Gin. He felt his lips twitch and put a hand over his mouth to stifle a whimper.

He didn't want to leave; he wanted to hold his moon until the sun fell into the sea in every possible sense of the phrase, but waking up in bed with him was probably the last thing Gin wanted today. Besides he needed a chance to collect himself and lick his wounds before he could face anyone. Just looking at Gin brought tears to his eyes right now and after everything that'd happened in the last decade or two, the last thing he wanted was to be more of a burden.

His eyes caught the silver of Gin's bracelet as it glinted, cold as his soul in the moonlight. How fitting. He remembered the day he'd given it to Gin, he'd intended to give it as a birthday present, a substitute for the ring Gin had never gotten. Instead he'd given it early to apologize for screwing up yet again, now there was a metaphor.

Their wedding night played itself out in his mind, he'd been a fool as he so often was, deluding himself into thinking his fox would stand beside him as an equal, what a joke. Equal? He'd never been worth half of Gin, no one would have blamed him for leaving Aizen even without this night's events.

Don't think about it. Focus on the present. That had gotten him through the night, through the conversation with Gin. Through speaking aloud those things, he barely admitted to himself much less talked about. He counted himself lucky that he hadn't _completely_ lost it in front of Gin.

_You don't deserve to feel bad,_ the thought returned and almost undid him, bouncing around his head in a cruel facsimile of Gin's voice.

His breath hitched as he slipped into the living room, he would have given anything to be able to hole up in some Rukon dive for a few days until he felt like he could face the world again or at least until he could trust himself to not hurt Gin.

' _Because you ever can,'_ the voice whispered.

He didn't respond, just settled on the couch and tried to ignore its cackling. As much as he wanted to escape it wasn't worth damaging Gin's fragile trust again, so he stayed and tried to focus only on the present, to not think about what he'd done, not give the voice another opening.

It was hot for nighttime and his clothes were damp with sweat. He focused on that, one drop after another rolled down his back and he felt each individual prickle and itch raised by the heat, infuriating, distracting.

'… _terrified of you...yet still he pitied you,'_ the voice babbled on growing louder, more insistent _._

_Hide the pain, do not think,_ he rose and began pacing quietly over and back across the wooden floor.

Again he wished that he had a few days to regain his footing, painfully aware of how raw the night had left him. He felt isolated, exposed just the kind of vulnerability that the voice used to seize control. In fact he was confused as to why it hadn't. He tried to think confident thoughts, but was equally aware that, at the moment, he could put up all the fight of a wet kitten.

' _One has to wonder why he likes you. You have no redeeming qualities and he's no fool…'_

' _He always was kinder than I. I would have killed us in his place,'_ Aizen thought and allowed self-loathing to settle into cold emptiness. It was the best defense he could muster and the voice tended to be less aggressive when he engaged with it. He was getting too tired to keep ignoring it, wearing down. He needed sleep, but was terrified of what would happen to Gin if he got it.

' _He was too weak to.'_

Aizen forced a laugh, ' _You under estimate him_.'

He turned in his pacing and caught sight of a yellow eye reflected in the base of a shiny lamp.

' _Or overestimated you,'_ the voice sneered. Aizen snarled, he was still a proud man. ' _Here I thought you'd get a kick out of it. The power, the domination…the smell of fear but instead you almost give up the ghost? Eyes shining with tears as you pleaded with Gin to...'_

' _Shut up!'_ Aizen thought viciously as he covered every reflective surface in the room with whatever came to hand. He moved like an old man, bones and muscles aching with flu-like shakes and cold. He knew what his reflection, the voice's, looked like and couldn't stand it, not tonight. With Gin he could pretend he was human, for a little while at least. He could mostly pretend that the monster was a different entity, even believed it occasionally when Gin distracted him, a very bad habit indeed. Tonight had pulled away the self-imposed wool, he was the monster, there was no escaping it. It was as much him as Kyouka was.

_...Understand because really_ you're _the victim. Bravo, I say Bravo_ , the voice finished undeterred. He could feel the cold spread down his limbs bitter and biting, as it always was when the voice fought for control.

He focused on his task. He really didn't need to look at what he was, what he'd done. He suspected that if that happened he would just give in then and there. His muscles spasmed as the voice encouraged that line of thought with a reminder that it wasn't worth it to keep fighting. He shook it off and returned to sit on the couch again, his task completed, muscles aching and twitching too much to keep pacing.

' _He doesn't give a damn you needy, worthless piece of shit. You really thought he still cared after everything you've done? And now you want him to forgive more? How clingy can you get?_ '

He could hear Kyouka's pained yips as she cried out unable to make him hear. The ice chilled his heart or was that emotion as he relived his worst fear made reality. He could still hear Gin screaming his name, his own terror compounded by Gin's pain, his precious moon wounded by his own ambition.

He gritted his teeth and his head twisted back as he tried not to scream. He laid down, pressed against the back of the couch in an instinctive attempt to seek warmth as the memories assailed his frozen body and the voice cackled.

Trembling under the onslaught, he curled into a little ball in an irrational attempt to defend himself. Terror as always rose at this enemy, against whom a sword was useless, this enemy who could so easily take the one thing that he couldn't bear to lose.

He forced the fear down, giving in would only make him an easier target. The voice kept on with its litany. The specifics didn't matter, he knew that he was a monster and nothing the voice said could do more than irritate wounds that were already there. It was the memory of Gin's horror, the betrayed look on his face, that haunted him. The voice merely sound tracked it and added cold and pain so physical weakness could strip mental defenses.

He choked back a sob, shivering and with what seemed a ridiculous amount of effort pulled a blanket down from the back of the couch. The voice shrieked as the tears he'd held back all night finally fell and soaked into the couch arm he was using for a pillow. He'd regret it, the voice wouldn't let him hear the end of it and it'd take forever to truly put the pieces back together. On the other hand he was almost grateful, if he was going to fall apart at least he was away from prying eyes, with only the voice to witness his shame. He raised his arm over his face though there was no practical reason to do so and gritted his teeth with the effort of remaining silent. Cry and you cry alone, indeed.

' _How far you've fallen.'_

_How dare ya' act like ya' care?_ Gin's voice echoed in his head again. He'd known something horrible would happen yet still he'd stayed, still he went out of his way to reconcile, still he'd tried to make excuses. He disgusted himself. The fact that Gin wanted to stay just ensured that he'd always be in danger. A part of him wished again that Gin would move on and be safe, let fate do what it would to him.

' _Worthless, selfish piece of shit what did he ever see in you.'_

That was the one indisputable thought which had burned in his mind all night, he'd known the risk and exposed Gin to it anyway because he couldn't give up his one light no matter what it did to said light source.

He came to a decision: it ended here. He'd played every card in his hand, up his sleeve and a couple conjured from midair. There would be no more fighting to justify himself, to make staying okay. He was out of moves, well and truly cornered, the only thing left was to get Gin out, there was no escape for him. He would always have the tea, though some part of him suspected that even if he brought it to the hollow world he'd never be able to bring himself to drink it again.

' _Too little, too late,'_ the voice whispered and he couldn't argue. He rose, walked down the hall and stepped outside. It had started raining lightly, he shielded his cigarette as he lit it and took a slow calming drag letting rain wash the tears from his face while the voice chattered on. God he hated the rain.

When he finished, he went back inside, grabbed a hand towel in the kitchen and dried his face and hair before returning to the couch. He sat the damp fabric of his clothing clung to him as he stared into space, listening to the voice alternate between berating and reminding him of the good times he'd shared with Gin. Anything that might dissuade him from the path he'd chosen.

' _You really think you can survive without him?'_ the voice whispered providing the memory of their wedding night. The love he'd felt as he spoke his vows, Gin throwing them back at him decades later cursing him for a whore.

' _You think anyone one else would have you? Do you have any idea how lucky you were to find one sap dumb enough to?'_

Of course he did, it was why he was intent on ending this before he brought his moon more pain. Another memory was dragged to the surface, Gin finally said he loved him and Aizen crushed him to his chest.

' _Sentimental, needy little Aizen. You're nothing without him and you think you can just walk away? As well walk off a cliff.'_

Then he would be nothing. Walking off a cliff was easy, it was only the landing that hurt. He wouldn't think about that now, just do what needed to be done. So long as Gin wasn't walking off that cliff with him he could live with that…or die as the case may be. He didn't much care at that point.

Jac raised the image of Gin saying 'you make me happy' in response to his own desperate, confused 'why me?'.

' _You would walk away from that kind of loyalty?'_

' _But of course,'_ Aizen replied, _'You know that,'_ hell the voice had taught him that.

The voice went silent but it had already got his mind going and the stream of memories continued, some long buried and forgotten, now tainted with pain as they were. The pillow fight with Gin came to mind though he hadn't thought about it in decades with good reason, as did Cherry stealing Kaname's visor which also stung, if for the exact opposite reasons.

Others though, like the memory of Gin a few years before, accepting his cup of tea after refusing for so long, were pure and sweet. It was a testament to how shaken he was that the mere memory had him back on the verge of tears.

He hissed a curse and shook it off, he had neither the time nor inclination to surrender to such sentiment again. As the voice constantly reminded him he had a job to do, he had to get it together. Right…that wasn't going to happen anytime soon but he could fake it well enough, he had a few hours yet.

After a nerve-wracking night where he occasionally dozed off only to wake with a start and stare around panicked until he realized that he hadn't moved and Gin was still safely ensconced in the bedroom, it was finally close to when Gin would wake.

He had been a coward the night before and Gin had stood by him despite how crazy, how dangerous he was. It was time to come clean though and the full truth would sever the relationship more cleanly than any sword. Gin would hate him, that stung more than everyone else combined wanting him dead but it was for the best. Besides Gin had hated him before.

' _And it broke you,'_ the voice sneered. Aizen smiled it sounded desperate to him.

' _Almost,'_ he admitted. _'But I'm still here and in a few short hours I'll have nothing to lose. You'll be without leverage.'_

' _You'll just beg for him to come back!'_ the voice snapped.

Aizen shook his head, _'No. I win.'_

' _Win? You'll have nothing!'_

' _Exactly.'_

' _Well even broken puppets have their strings,"_ voice laughed darkly and it sent a chill down his spine, shook his resolve. It's better this way.

' _Keep telling yourself that,'_ he shot back cockily. Maybe it was childish but tonight he felt entitled.

' _You always feel entitled,'_ Kyouka said, but her voice was full of pride and he laughed.

He rose stiffly to get a glass of water, drank slowly gathering himself and his resolve, then he smoothed his clothes with kido and washed up in the kitchen. He could have simply used an illusion but he wasn't that desperate, hadn't fallen so far that he needed Kyouka for a crutch. It would be an admission that after all he'd sacrificed for power he was still human.

' _I would have thought that last night dispelled any delusions you had on that count,'_ the voice laughed cruelly, _'It's no wonder you can't function without Gin, he's your little therapy dog ne?'_ it taunted aping Gin.

Doing his best to tune it out he took a deep breath, uncovered the reflective surfaces, used one for a mirror and looked himself over, trying to ignore the flash of yellow in his reflected eyes. The effect wasn't great he obviously hadn't slept, but he didn't look completely gutted or like his world was yet again crumbling so…

He drew himself up, arranged his expression into a mask of confidence and fully composed, not a hair out of place, Captain Aizen returned to the couch to wait for Gin to wake so he could stab them both in the heart.

* * *

Gin woke panting from his nightmare and reached out for Aizen to make sure it was still _his_ Aizen, only to find empty space. He sat for a moment, his heart racing as he tried to shake off the too vivid memory-dream.

"Where the hell is he?" he asked Cherry who had leaped to the floor with the violence of his waking and was now watching curiously. He felt Aizen's reiatsu and his panic waned, he scooped up Cherry and she nuzzled him as he moved into the living room.

Already upset at having been left alone, Gin took in his partner's perfectly coiffed appearance and felt his temper boiling over. Glad one of us is doin' a'right, he thought bitterly. Memories of the aftermath of _her_ rose like a viper to strike, how Aizen had walked around without a scratch and thrilled groupies threw themselves at him while Gin cried himself to sleep more nights than not.

"I was wonderin' where ya' ran to," Gin snarled.

"I thought it was safer for you if I wasn't there."

"So ya' just left me alone?" he met Aizen's gaze and saw fear. Sousuke closed his eyes a moment and when he opened them again they were cold, empty of all feeling. "What?"

Aizen took a breath, "I left a few things out last night."

"Course ya' did," Gin said bitterly because even when he was finally getting the truth there just _had_ to be another layer, another move or dimension, always something.

Aizen's jaw tightened and anger flashed in his eyes. Ah deal with it, Gin thought, don't be so predictable.

"The voice I told you about…it wants…no needs me to do some things. I won't be able to stay in Soul society afterwards."

The words hit like a gutpunch and Gin was speechless as he processed the revelation, all sarcasm and bitterness gone.

"I thought you should know now rather than later," Aizen continued, voice hard and uncaring as a blade.

"So…so… yer breakin' up with me…Today? " he asked. His voice shook badly, he didn't care, he wanted to sob. Today of all days? What the hell was his problem? And to just say it like that, like it was nothing: oh by the way I'm ditching you.

"No. Not…not exactly I'm just telling you what's happening."

"And you just HAVE to do this?" Gin snarled, voice breaking. He knew full well exactly how much effort it took to make the man do anything he didn't want to and he usually found some way to weasel out anyway…like Momo. Or exact revenge as Shinji could attest…as could Gin for that matter he'd paid heavily for those three words. Gin shook his head that was not a memory conducive to being angry at the bastard.

"Well?" Gin snapped.

"If I don't the voice will kill one or both of us," Aizen admitted. A twitch of a jaw muscle, a hint of shame in his gaze and for once Gin believed him though he wasn't entirely sure that he should. He had little doubt that the admission had cost though and that alone said something.

_He's trying to protect me again,_ Gin realized and his heart melted.

"Ya' say ya'll have ta' leave. Can't I just come wit' ya?"

Sousuke blinked in surprise and Gin smiled back, it was completely inappropriate for the occasion but he couldn't help the little spark of pride he always felt when he caught the chess master off guard.

"You can't or, more accurately wouldn't want to it's…actually one moment," he said and cast a kido he'd developed to fry any of Mayuri or Urahara's bugs, even though they checked for them constantly. He then soundproofed the room and finally satisfied, continued talking.

"I will have to go to Hueco Mundo and from there move against the Soul King," he explained.

"So I can come wit' ya."

Sousuke swallowed, and Gin wondered if he'd misjudged and his partner really _did_ want to get rid of him.

"It's dark, barren…it would be hell for you."

"Not if you're there," Gin shot back. Sousuke didn't answer and instead moved to brew some tea, heated the water with kido and poured them each a glass. Gin felt so powerless, how do you save someone who's already given up? Maybe there _was_ no hope, but at least he could see the enemy now and if they were doomed they could be doomed together, if Sousuke'd let him.

While the tea steeped Sousukefinally answered in a measured tone, "After last night surely you're aware of the danger that would put you in?"

"I don't care! You aren't getting rid o' me tha' easy," Gin said his voice cracking again. Sousuke took a sip of tea and winced at the heat before taking another slower sip.

"I'm not trying to get rid of you. I just want you to understand the danger," he said. Did his voice catch just a little? Before last night Gin wouldn't have believed it. Before last night he hadn't thought Aizen had a fear in the world.

"I do. I want to stay. For better or worse right?" Gin replied. Sousuke said nothing, just drank his tea, calculating, Gin could see the plans and machinations working themselves out. "So what is this 'stuff' we have to do?"

Sousuke closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. Gin grew concerned, he could count on one hand the times he'd seen Sousuke brace himself for anything.

After a moment he opened his eyes and laid out the crimes he, they, would have to commit. Gin paled at the magnitude and scale but still it wasn't like he didn't know what Aizen was, hadn't committed crimes of his own, even enjoyed it, Shinji and company came to mind again.

"Why am I jus' hearin' 'bout this now."

"You didn't need to know."

"The hell I didn't! Ya' were jus' gonna what? Disappear one night?"

Sousuke shifted, obviously forcing himself to meet Gin's eyes with a defiant look. He looked so much like Che-Che doing her 'and your point' look that Gin struggled not to laugh, but he wasn't getting off the hook that easily.

Taking the silence for acknowledgement he continued, "Nope, doesn't work that way."

He saw a shadow cross his partner's face and his own crumpled. He fixed his gaze on the floor, " 'Less ya' lyin' an' ya' really don' wan' me."

"No…nothing of the sort," Sousuke whispered and wrapped his arms around him.

"Tha's good," Gin said in a choked voice, as his relieved tears soaked into his sun's sleeve.

* * *

Aizen held his moon as the younger man wept, he'd never thought he'd be able to do that again. Had Gin not been there and he not have to go to the barracks in…less than an hour now, he likely would have done the same out of sheer relief the voice be damned. He couldn't believe his luck. What had he done to deserve such loyalty? Absolutely nothing quite the opposite, in fact his power was about the only point in his favor.

He soaked in the contact, let it ground him, this is real, physical, this is you, your body, your reality.

_Pathetic,_ the voice cackled.

_Your point?_ he replied uncaring.

He looked down at Gin and inhaled a bit shakily, steadying himself. Gin pulled back after a while and scrubbed his face.

"Ya' goin leave 'gain?" Gin asked. Aizen met those surprisingly intense red eyes and decided that would be a bad idea.

"Aren't you scared that I'll attack you again?" he asked. He tried to smile like it was a joke since Gin had made it clear that was how he wanted to deal with it but the faintest tremor snuck into the words.

"It weren't you," Gin replied.

He swallowed hard, "Gin I…would you like some more?" he raised his glass and wished he could apologize but it seemed so meaningless, mere words. With three little words, his world had brightened immeasurably and as usual, he had nothing to offer in return. Vampire, leech, parasite, whatever word you used for it he was a monster.

"Love some," Gin said smiling.


End file.
